Love is unique

We don't love all our children the same

Sometimes a child who has siblings would ask their parent the question ‘who do you love more?’ The answer that parents would often give is ‘I love you all exactly the same’. This is, I believe, a wrong answer. By giving such an answer the parent is affirming a wrong underlying assumption as well as claiming something that, if that underlying assumption is correct, is not very credible and will tend to confuse the child and undermine their trust in us.

The fundamental mistaken assumption that this answer accepts is that our relationships with our children could be ordered on one dimension in the same way that, say, their height can. In any given one dimension it would indeed be very unlikely that all of one’s children would fare exactly the same. The question of which child is taller than another has a simple correct answer and it would be an unlikely event that all of one’s children end up the same height to the fraction of an inch. Personalities, on the other hand, are not one-dimensional. They are thousands of times more complex. A more appropriate simile would be to compare one’s children to complex works of art all of which one deeply cares about. Think about two songs, or two books, or two paintings, or two films, both of which you like very much. Is there really a simple answer as to which one of them you like more?

The idea of liking something or someone better implies the idea of replaceability. If you like A more then B it usually implies that you would replace B with A if you had the opportunity. The more things are alike, the easier it is to compare them in this way, and the more they are different in their qualities, the less sense such a comparison makes. In those more complex cases we value precisely this multiplicity and complexity, and consequently their uniqueness. Works of art or persons are not replaceable in this way. Liking a person or a work of art does not mean that we would prefer two of the same kind. Their uniqueness is a big part of what we value in them.

Children intuitively understand that there are significant differences between the relationships that their parents have with each child. To imply that all these relationships are in some significant sense ‘the same’ is bound to leave them dissatisfied. It is bound to strike them as a somewhat unlikely coincidence that the parents’ love for all their children just happens to be the same. Moreover, we ourselves feel on some level that there is something unauthentic about this answer, even though it is hard for us to clearly formulate to ourselves where the issue is, and this feeling will find some expression in our tone of voice or facial expression, to which children are very attuned. The child may quietly draw the wrong conclusion that we do not want to admit to them that we like the other child more. Not only will the child in such a case stay with a belief that will harm their self-esteem and sense of security, but we would miss an opportunity to affirm something that is very important to the well being of any person - their uniqueness.

The right answer to this question is therefore not that we like all our kids the same. It is almost the opposite, that we like all our kids differently, or rather uniquely. Each child is unique and irreplaceable, and this is the important message that should be given in response to that question. Such a message, when explained appropriately, would be experienced by the child as more satisfactory and reassuring.

All this is not to say that a parent cannot dislike aspects of their child. This can happen, and does in fact happen quite often. However, the important point here is that whatever problems exist in the relationship, they are not comparative in nature. They do not inherently relate to the existence or nonexistence of other siblings. To the extent that the love of a parent to a child is clouded, it has nothing to do with their love for their other kids. The relationship to that child, with all its problems and obstacles, stands on its own. The existence of those clouds is not because of the other relationships. The same problems would exist if this was the only child, where the comparative question would not exist.

It is important to remember in those situations that underneath the layers of problems that may exist in the relationship between the parent and the child there is usually buried a deep underlying love that is always waiting to reveal itself. The problems that exist in the relationship are just obstacles standing in the way of this natural love, and one should not mistake these obstacles for a lack of that kind of love. Once these obstacles are removed it is ready to and will reveal itself. This fundamental underlying love for each child is unique and does not stand in comparison to the parents’ love for any other child.