Sibling quarrels

Allow it to resolve itself without interference

Let’s look at the typical dynamics of quarrels between siblings. In their initial stage, these quarrels usually involve some clash of interests over a particular object or resource be it a toy, a space, etc. At that initial stage there is no enmity involved, only temporary clashes of interests. In the absence of outside interference such conflicts would usually unfold along the following lines. First, the two sides would dig in their positions until one of them wins. The losing side would then express their dissatisfaction, through crying, sadness, withdrawing, being angry or sulky etc. At the same time the winner, once a victory is achieved, finds that their desire for the resource somewhat diminishes, as the emotions that were intensified during the struggle calm down. At that point other feelings tend to come to the for, typically some feelings of regret and sympathy towards the losing side.

In most cases if we allow this dynamics to unfold on its own without interference, the winning side will at some point initiate some gesture towards the losing side that will result in a more amicable resolution of the incident, and before you know it playing continues at full steam. The reason is that in the long run children (as well as healthy adults) value friendship and relationships much more than most material resources, and kids understand that instinctively. In the end, having a willing, happy and cooperative friend and playmate is much more important to them, and that forces them to negotiate terms that can make everybody reasonably happy, enough to continue cooperating and playing.

What often makes sibling situations so much more difficult is the fact that we frequently do not allow this process to unfold and complete its natural cycle, but rush prematurely to try and fix things up. When we interfere, we stop that natural emotional dynamic from completing itself, and we do not allow enough time for the conciliatory feelings to emerge. Such interference will have the very regrettable result that the issue at hand will at once transform itself from the original contest about a more or less trivial resource, to the much more significant one of competition for parental approval and love, which is a much more important and deeper issue for children. We would thereby increase the stakes dramatically and prevent the natural conciliatory process from happening. In the long run, this will create bitterness and resentment, and eventually even feelings of hatred and enmity that will be very hard to heal.

Shouldn’t we correct bad behavior when we see it though? It is rarely the case that such correction will happen in any significant sense as a result of such interference. Usually, the child who feels that he is being reproached will spend the bulk of their mental energy into digging deeper into their position and will experience defensive and negative emotions, thus pushing away or altogether preventing the other more conciliatory feelings to surface. In the absence of interference on the other hand, the offending side will in most cases eventually realize on their own that their behavior was offensive and will feel some natural regret. Interference will kill that kind of realization in the bud and will strengthen feelings of injury, bitterness and enmity in the child.

Non-interference is sometimes a very hard thing for us to practice. We often have strong emotions when we are witnessing a quarrel between siblings, and we often feel that one side in the quarrel is more in the right than the other. When this happens, that fact in itself is a strong reason against interference. Silence in these cases is stronger than a thousand words. Interference however does not need to be very forceful or vocal to be harmful. It can manifest itself in subtle ways, such as facial expression, or some other hint. Children are very attuned to it, so if it’s going to be hard for you to control your emotions it is probably best that you physically leave the scene, leaving the kids to negotiate the situation on their own.

If there is some need for further discussion, it is better done later, after nature was allowed to take its course, and emotions are calm. When that natural process is allowed to take its course, the children will emerge from the quarrel better than they were before it. They will experience the whole range of passions and emotions that are part of this natural human emotional cycle, and will gain invaluable self-understanding and maturity in the process. In the end, the natural love between siblings will overcome lesser obstacles. The only valid exception for the nonintervention rule is when there is a possibility of serious physical damage, in which case, one should intervene to physically separate between the sides, without weighing in on the contested issue itself.

When parents persist in their non-interference policy long enough for the children to realize that this is a permanent attitude, it is likely to result in dramatic changes in the dynamics of the siblings' relationships to each other. There will still be clashes, angry eruptions, occasional insults, etc., but these are likely to be fleeting and correct themselves quickly and easily, and I suspect that over time along with the growing maturity gained by the children through experiencing this natural process, these incidents will gradually become shorter in duration and less frequent. It is definitely worth a sustained try.