When a child lies

It says more about you than about them

Lying by children is very commonly regarded by adults as a vice that should not be tolerated. There is something dishonest about this attitude, since adults often use lying (to both kids and adults) as the best solution in certain situations. We resort to them when we judge that by telling the truth we will be causing more harm than by lying. It’s a tenable ethical position to regard lying as wrong, not as such (as the German philosopher Kant believed), but only because of its potential harmful consequences (which is the view of some within the British utilitarian tradition). However, to make correct judgements about the possible consequences of actions is difficult, so in cases of doubt honesty is probably the best policy.

It is necessary to try to instill such a policy in children. Their natural tendency is to be honest. Lying is not a natural choice for anyone, and it is not an easy choice either. It has a mental and emotional cost to the liar, dividing their world between what it looks and feel from the inside and what is presented to the outside, thereby reducing the sense of wholeness. It is a much nicer feeling not to have to deal with such a mental dichotomy. By being honest you are what you present yourself to be and you naturally feel more at ease with yourself and your surroundings. That is why confession has a deep sense of relief associated with it. Thus, everything else being equal, people have a strong natural tendency for honesty and truth. Lying, in a sense, has to be learned the hard way.

Lying is also a serious obstacle to intimate relationships, which are built on each person allowing the other to enter into their innermost world. We value and long for such intimate relationships, where we can be and feel ourselves without fear. Or better, where we can even be appreciated for what we really are rather than what we sometimes try to present ourselves as being. In a sense, such intimate relationships offer us a refuge from the stress and discomfort of deceit, a safe haven where we can relax from the mental effort involved in the many relationships we find ourselves in the outside world, where we feel that we have to present, for one reason or another, something different than our complete natural self.

For many people the only place they feel safe enough to be completely honest and true is at the therapist couch. The need to confess is so strong that they are willing to pay a high rate for the opportunity to do so. This is, in a sense, a tragedy of modern life, because what the relationship you have with the psychologist is not really a substitute for an intimate relationship. In an intimate relationship there is this reaffirming and reassuring feeling that the other person chooses to be in this relationship with you for what you are, that you are important to that other person, and that other person is important to you (for what they are), and you both know that this is so. This is not the case in situations where you are a patient or a client.

Children, as much as anyone else, if not more so, long for and are in need for such an honest relationship. Their very sense of self is very much dependent on the existence of such a relationship. The first place that they naturally look for that kind of relationship, especially

in the early years, is their parents or primary care-takers. It is our obligation to provide them with such haven. The last thing we therefore want to do is provide them with a reason to want to lie to us. It is rather our duty to make sure that a child should never feel fear or shame to be truthful and honest with us. Providing the child with such safe-heaven is of untold importance to their mental health and their ability to develop the beauty of their personality to its full capacity.

When a child feels the need to lie to us, it is therefore a time for introspection. We have failed to provide the child with a secure enough environment where they feel they can be completely honest. We need to ask ourselves at what point along the way we made the child feel that they need to lie to us in order to gain our love or approval.

In many cases the answer would be that we have used power in our relationship with the child. Lying is often the only tool available for the weak to try to maintain some autonomy in the face of overwhelming power. This may be the reason why authorities often put so much emphasis on a moral imperative not to lie. They understand, perhaps subconsciously, that lying is an effective threat to their power, an effective tool at the hands of the weak.

When a child lies to you it may be a sign that your relationship with the child is not authentic, that the child does not feel secure enough in your friendship, that they are worried or afraid of your power over them. The proper reaction to that is not to be angry at the child, but to examine your conduct and see where you have failed to be a true intimate friend to your child.